When I opened my eyes this morning, it’s 2:14am.
Insomnia has been with me for some years now. I have learned on and off to embrace it. The worst period in my life was the week when my mom passed away. I slept perhaps about 8 hours in a week. My whole body was charged with electric current. It came to the point that I had to turn the clock on its face because I was afraid to look at it, dreading the time ticking slowly away into the morning and I still could not sleep.
One lesson I’ve learned from this: I will “choose” to not worry about insomnia because worry does not solve my insomnia. Worry leads me to more problems other than insomnia. The reason I am writing this post is to help my friends who are having sleep problem. It is my prayer that you will be encouraged as you read as I was when I wrote it.. a reminder that God is in all of my challenges with me. He just needs me to throw away my trash and trust Him.
Ezekiel 20:7-8 And I said to them, ‘Throw away, each of you, the detestable things of his eyes, and do not defile yourselves with the idols of Egypt; I am the Lord your God.’ 8 But they rebelled against Me and were not willing to listen to Me; they did not throw away, each of them, the detestable things of their eyes, nor did they abandon the idols of Egypt.
One morning, at the height of Covid, this was my story…
When I opened my eyes, it’s 2:45am. O dear… insomnia strikes again. My eyes hurt. They have been hurting on and off for the past couple of weeks. When the pain and discomfort started, I remembered my dad had glaucoma. Maybe, I have it too? I told my doctor-daughter. She asked me questions about my painful eyes to investigate my conditions and compare my symptoms against symptoms of glaucoma.
intense eye pain? Eye pain, yes. Intense… not really.
nausea and vomiting. Nope
a red eye. Nope
a headache. Sometimes, yes.. sometimes, not.
blurred vision. Definitely not!
So why am I worried?! I just am or was or am or was.. going back and forth. “Was” when the pain stops.. “Am” when it gets uncomfortable again!
As I read from Ezekiel, two times, God said: Throw away, each of you, the detestable things of his eyes.. This phrase caught my attention. Detestable is an adjective which describes something or someone that deserves intense dislike. What are these detestable things? Two times, “the idols of Egypt” was mentioned after the phrase. Detestable things are idols. Come to think about it – quite an oxymoronic phrase. When we say we idolise something or someone, it means we admire or love greatly. How come God said ‘detestable things of his eyes’ not My eyes? Idolatry is detestable in God’s eyes. What is idolatry? Idolatry is putting anything before God. It is rebelling, or disobeying God – not willing to listen to Him. v. 8a
Insomnia and hurting eyes are not by themselves idolatry. I dislike insomnia and I do not want my eyes to hurt. But when I worry about them, when I become afraid to the point that I forget God and doubt His promises, when I disobey His command to trust Him, then my worries and fears become my idols.
How do I throw out the detestable things? I remember God’s goodness to me in the past. I remember how He was with me through the hard times. Hard times do not last. God’s presence is always. His Word lasts forever. (Isaiah 40:8) “The grass withers, the flower fades, But the word of our God stands forever.”
I recall the hard times when I was nearing breakdown, suffering from sleepless nights after my mom passed away. I was sad but too anxious for my 92 year old dad. I did not know which was worse, my grief or my anxiety. I could not sleep for days. Sleeping aids were not working. I tried to make appointment to see a psych so I could get help with my insomnia. But the doctor was fully booked till months later. One night, I cried to God: Lord, I will not take any med anymore. Please grant me sleep. That night I slept like a baby. The next morning, I woke feeling like a normal person again. God listened to my cries.
In the months that followed, my grieving father got seriously ill. I broke my ankle from a bad fall. I had surgery and could not walk for months. I had to accompany my sick father to his dialysis in my wheelchair. We’re a convoy of two wheelchairs from the cars through the hallways, into the elevators to the dialysis center. I saw how he suffered in his sickness. But through it all, God was with me. He sent people to help. He gave me peace beyond human understanding – to experience His love, His all-sufficient grace and unbounded mercy. His mercies are new every morning.
So today, I offer my sacrifice of praise – it’s putting one foot in front of the other, one step at a time. Instead of tossing and turning, “worrying” about my insomnia, I will tell of God’s wondrous acts in my life. I will remember His faithfulness, He is true to His word. What He promises, He always fulfils. I will listen to His Word. Read them and meditate on them.
A song comes to mind:
Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full into His wonderful face.
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace!
Lord, I commit to you my state of mind, each moment each day. Empower me to throw away the detestable things of my eyes – worries, doubts and fears that take away my attention from you. Replace these idols with your Spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control. I claim your promise that you will never leave me or forsake me but will be with me till the end of time. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
