I am sad but I choose to rejoice. I rejoice for the 92 years of papa’s life on earth. I am glad that he is my father on earth for 54 years of that. I am glad that today, he is reunited with mama in heaven: no more pain, no more tear and no more night.
I grieve but I choose to praise. I praise God for giving me a father worthy of praise. In eulogy, as we remember with fondness the legacies of our departed loved ones – the things worthy of praise, the lovely and the good, whatever is true and noble and pure, let us not forget that God created man in His own image. Whatever good we see in man comes from God.
I thank God for giving me a father who loves me. He was not rich. We did not have a big house or luxurious cars. He was a salesman with a steady job who provided us a warm and secure home. He was a loving husband and father. His love comes in his act of service for us. It comes in precious time and moments he invested in us. When my sister and I were in elementary, our school bags had no wheels. The school had no ramp or elevator. Our books were not left in our school lockers. Papa carried our bags everyday from the car, up 2 or 3 floors of stairs to put right beside our seats in the classroom. When I was in college, one time there was heavy rain and streets were flooded. Going home from school, I took a jeep from Taft ave. to Rizal ave. Papa was there with a calesa to pick me up from the jeepney stop so I did not have to wade the flood in the rain. When I was already married with school children, he was the one who picked up Hannah and Abigail to take them home from school. He bought me peanuts and Chinese sweets (kiat hong tiao) coz he knew I liked them. I know he loves me because each time I visit him, he opens the door for me as I leave the house. When he could no longer open the door for me, he would say thank you each time I leave the house. When I was already in my golden age and he was old, weak and partially blind lying on his bed, he told me to tell him my grievances and that he would pray for me. His words were his love language as well. Never in my life did I hear him curse or say bad words. He often praised people for their strengths. My mom passed away 4 months ago. We told him about it a day after she died. The day after that, he told me ‘Din mama ya gaw.’ (Your mama is very capable.) ‘Ee yah kut lat.’ (She was very hard-working.) He also often affirmed our acts of filial piety. To this day, I cannot get used to him saying thank you each time I visited him. How many traditional Chinese fathers say thank you to his daughter for visiting him? He thanked me for the food I bring. His appreciation of the things I bring brought me much joy. He even asked me to buy food he liked. That is how I know he loves me. He gives me opportunities to love him.
I thank God for the lessons I learned in papa’s life, even and especially in his sickness. I experienced and learned that to love is to bear the pain and suffering. It reminds me of how God must have felt sending and seeing His only Son on the cross and turning his face from His beloved Son to let him bear the weight of the sins of the world. In the days and weeks that followed my mom’s passing, I just had to keep going to visit him and see him – frail, weak, sad, and seriously sick. Many times I prayed Lord, have mercy. Take papa quickly so he will not suffer too much. But God’s ways are not our ways and His thoughts higher than ours. So I learned to pray Lord, have mercy and Thy will be done.
I also realized that to love is to bear the pain as I stepped into papa’s shoes. I witnessed how he consented to go through peg insertion, consented to go through dialysis just so it would not be hard for Marian and me to make decisions. Papa was a brave man. His courage is not the absence of fear but bearing the fear inside of him and even letting it out for us to see. Many years ago, few years after I got married, papa had a surgery for his prostate problem. I brought him home from the hospital in the tricycle/sidecar. Our home, where he lived with mama, was on the 5th floor with no elevator. To have someone carry him up on a chair was not safe. So he climbed the stairs with his hand literally shaking/trembling in mine. Last December, he fell at home trying to go to the toilet on his own because the helper was out. He lied on the floor until the helper came back. The next day, when I visited him, I saw his whole body literally shaking with fear as we convinced him to get up to go to the toilet. It was then that I learned that he had a fall the day before. After I prayed with him, he said amen and calmly said he’s no longer afraid.
In the last few months when he was sick, whenever Marian and I asked if he’s in pain, he always said ‘Bue’ (No.) Only once did he admit to the caregiver: juday (which in Cebuano means a little). We know he’s in pain from his facial expression when he winced or jerked his arm or hand to cover where it hurts.
I learned that the greater the pain, the greater the lessons to learn – lessons of trust and dependence on God, lessons of humility, of patience, of courage, of what it means to pray give us this day our daily bread. I practice how to be strong, one step at a time, moment by moment, day by day depending on God’s grace and calling on his mercy.
Ultimately, I learn the lesson about life and living, about making the most of opportunities. About time… Papa often liked to ask what time is it? or What day is it? At his age, with no appointment to meet, nothing to do but eat, sleep and bathroom activities, what is the significance of time? Counting time and numbering days… Moses prayed for God to teach us to number our days so that we will present unto Him a heart of wisdom. I learned that God makes everything beautiful in His time. I praise God for the many happy moments with papa when he was still healthy and mom was still around, when I sat on their bedside each weekend whether in monologue, in meaningful conversations, in quiet moments watching him sleep. I recorded even the words that we spoke to each other. In the past 2 months when he was critically sick, I learn not to take for granted his toothless smile in unexpected moments, his eyebrow acknowledging my presence, his slightest nod and opening of his mouth to utter words his voice could not sound. Even his solid poops are something to praise God for.
Last Friday, when I visited him, I saw him smile and heard him say ‘Di biya ba?’ (You, Biya?!) in reply to my ‘Pa, goa biya lah.’ (Pa, I’m Biya.) The first in a long time since my fall not knowing that it would also be the last time. I heard him say ‘Mama…’ to me but he could not continue because he was having a hard time breathing. I could not continue for him nor dare I guess what he wanted to say. I just told him ‘Mama is now resting.’ When I had my fall and could not walk, I imagined myself going to his wake in the wheelchair. Today, I stand before you to share God’s amazing grace and mercy to me and my family through this journey called life in sickness with an end called death. Again I praise God because He does indeed make everything beautiful in His time… a time to live and a time to die.
Finally, I believe that Christians stand out in the world different from the world because in death, we rejoice; because to die in the body means to be alive in the spirit in the everlasting presence of our Creator. We rejoice because we have hope that someday we will be reunited with our loved ones for all eternity. Pa and ma, you are now together forever in the glorious company of our God and King. And for that I rejoice. Till we meet again, I love you both so very much.
Written on10/10/2016 at papa’s memorial service
