A journal of thanksgiving for moments of grace written the day after I was discharged from the hospital for my ankle surgery.
About 8 weeks prior to this day, my mom had just passed away. My dad was grieving and deteriorating quickly – unable to eat properly. I broke my ankle because I was groggy from taking sleep aids for my sleep problem. I was often anxious, sad and grieving.. 3-in-1 the combi state of of mind for a mental/emotional breakdown.. Amidst these scenarios, here’s what I wrote:
Ma,
You’re in heaven still praying for me. Please help me to be brave and learn the lessons the Lord wants me to learn.
July 22, 2016
9:02pm
I used to take for granted the freedom to go to the toilet and pee anytime I need to. I could go to poop whether little urge or not.. no harm to try. Now it’s so much effort – I need to learn patience to wait and wait and wait so as not to waste the effort – the exertion of moving from bed to wheelchair, from wheelchair to the toilet seat; not to waste waking/interrupting the sleep of Abi, not to put her effort of helping me transfer from seat to seat, to push me to the toilet, to hold my leg up, to prop it on the stool..
I thank you Lord for my family. Andrew keeps telling me how much he loves me, holding my hair, kissing me on the forehead, holding my hand, hugging me.
Thank you for Han who helps me take my bath, prepares my clothes, my toiletries, help bring me to the chair in the shower, put on the plastic bag to cover my leg – carefully taping the masking tape to seal the hole, getting behind me to get the water in the right temperature, the right volume so as not to splash all over the floor outside the shower cubicle, for washing my hair, rinsing it, soaping my back, rinsing it, for helping me stand and wiping my behind, for helping me put on my underwear, my clothes, for getting herself wet and help me finish my bath before taking her own. Even Abigail did the same – and they don’t mind that they get wet again even after they had already taken their bath.
Thankful that Han and Abs wake so quick at the slightest call. Thank you Lord that you gave Han the strength to go to work when needed, and to take leave just to help take care of me during the 3 days stay at the hospital. Thankful for Abs’ care during the night – to get up to help me get on the commode, to throw the urine in the toilet and clean it herself even though she could let the nurses or nursing aide do it. Thank u Lord that she can get right back to sleep after all that’s needed to help me. (Abi just started her 3rd year at med school. She and Han took turns caring for me at night. God’s timing is perfect.)
I’m so touched, on her own initiative she brought the Eskinol for me to wipe my face during the stay in the hospital knowing that it’s my nightly routine.
I wanted to make things simple – didn’t want to be too burdensome. But when nurses outside don’t respond after pressing and pressing the button, even 30 minutes after replying that he’s coming but did not, what else to do but to wake your own sleepy child to help you. It’s alright. She gladly does it – even beyond what I asked her to. She loves me. It’s ok – I’m her mom – I took care of her when she was young – when she didn’t even know how to ask for my help.
It’s alright to ask help and receive love from my child. Even though I thought that me at 54 and they about or less than half my age, it’s too early for them to be taking care of me. Shouldn’t it be more in the distant future?
Re-reading this story reminds me God is gracious. In whatever circumstance, I need to be thankful and mindful of small moments of big grace… big things come in small packages if only we’re attentive to the voice of the Holy Spirit to teach us godly contentment and gratitude to the God of grace.
